Liberty Begins At Home

I turned 42 last Saturday. “The meaning of life,” as it were.

A milestone this big shouldn’t pass quietly. It needs a substantial mark to accompany it.

But what do you get for the guy who has it all? A machete, that’s what.

For practical reasons. But 12-year old me is still giddy.

People call YouTube videos of pressure washing and lawn mowing “satisfying.”

You know what’s satisfying? Clearing my backyard of tall weeds in minutes without a power tool.

Forget going green with batteries. This year, it’s full analog.

And that comes with a host of its own perks.

It’s feeling a blade in my hand again.

It’s crushing a swath of weeds and seedling trees. To lay them down with a stroke before you. And hear the lamentations of their seed pods.

It’s my 9-year old upset she couldn’t come watch. And my wife wondering what I was doing back inside so soon.

But this isn’t just any utility machete I pulled off Amazon.

No. This birthday called for a splurge.

This is a Gerber Gear Gator Machete. 25” of bush-busting fury. With utility saw on the back end, safety lanyard around the handle, and sharp blade to bring swift judgement to stray vegetation.

So if you’re stuck on what to get a guy for his birthday, a machete and an overgrown backyard are in order.

Q&A

Is this your midlife crisis?

No. I’ve had a continual midlife crisis since I turned 30. More on that in an upcoming episode of “Defy Limits”, which you should subscribe to.

Are you compensating for something?

Yes: tools not appropriate for the job. Pruning shears take all day and a 40V weedeater ran out of juice too fast.

Won’t you lose a limb?

It’s possible. But risk generates testosterone. And testosterone makes babies. And don’t you know there’s a shortage on?

How is that picture so oddly accurate?

Copilot did what it could, but there’s only so much engineering essence you can put into a picture without animating a real life photo. Somehow it made me into an odd mix of Daniel Craig and Ken McElroy. But my wife’s not complaining.

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