How did you meet your significant other?
I’ve heard you, Gen Z.
The dating scene sucks.
I’ve been in your shoes.
Good relationships don’t come despite wanting one so badly.
And it doesn’t help expectations are so high.
But appealing to a mass market of high expectations when you’re not there isn’t the way to get attention.
Because you only need to get the attention of the right person.
And getting the attention of the right person means becoming the right person.
Growth not guaranteed
I learned that the hard way.
I was leaving Civil Engineer Corps Officer School with a choice to make.
Get stationed near where I grew up and stay with my high school sweetheart…
Or take a chance on Corpus Christi. Someplace new with wide open opportunities.
Something called me to Texas, but she didn’t want to follow me there.
That led to a year of trying to let go. To learn how to live on my own.
In an office job where I was holding power over contractors’ livelihoods. Not the best place for a fresh graduate to learn humility.
And it led to some cool experiences, like volunteering with the local Boy Scout troop, starting an MBA, and becoming a state delegate during the 2008 election cycle.
But I wasn’t connecting with people the way I hoped. There was still something inherently selfish about expecting those around me to fill a void. That’s not their job.
That left me in my kitchen with a pan of chocolate cherry cupcakes my mom sent for my 25th birthday.
Breaking down crying. Never having felt so alone despite trying so hard to start a relationship. Not knowing where to go from where I was.
Then a real opportunity came up.
Stepping back to get ahead
An Air Force combat construction unit in Las Vegas had an opening. I could deploy with them a couple years earlier than I could with the Navy.
And the desire to be seen as awesome was strong.
It came with a change of scenery. Focus on work surrounded by people who were good at it.
That changed my focus from how alone I was to what I needed to become to keep up with them.
They stressed getting your hands dirty and stepping in where you were needed so everyone was taken care of.
I got to travel with them and do awesome things in Southwest Asia for six months. And be held accountable for the mistakes I made. I had overestimated how much of a person I was. That started giving way to not let these fine Airmen down.
Combine that with work 12 hours a day and only the gym or dining facility to look forward to afterward, and the pressure to impress girls went away. I could just work on making myself a better person.
That paid off.
Something completely different
So when I came back from Afghanistan in April 2009 and within a week reached out a beautiful upright woman on Catholic Match, I had the best date ever.
What was supposed to be lunch extended to a beer at BJ’s, then shopping at Target, walking around a local park, and ending the day at the young adults’ group at her home parish. No one at the group had any idea we had just spent the whole day together.
Because I was serious and confident about where I was going. And she picked up on that and wanted to ride along.
It wasn’t about the strain and effort of making myself out to be someone desirable. It was surrendering to what others needed and becoming that person anyway.
So here we are. 16 years and six kids later. I must have done something right.
If you’re throwing in the towel on Gen Z dating, drop the expectations. Work on yourself until you become someone worth following.
The rest falls into place.
Affiliate corner
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Finding the right spouse is just one part of the journey. Learn more about the rest in these related posts before you go:
Liberty Begins At Home 
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